It pains me to think about all the dumb ways I’ve tried to deal with this in the past. Once I had been reading something about how to get through to people having problems. I don’t recall why. It had nothing to do with drinking; I think it was some business article. But it talked about teachable moments. It said that sometimes events conspired to produce a moment where someone might be receptive to advice they would not normally take and that you should take advantage of this. It said that sometimes when someone has just made a mistake and realized it you should actually gently agree.
I’m pretty sure now that this is dumb advice about everything, including management, but definitely about more serious issues. It’s pretty much like starting a sentence with, “you know what your problem is…” Here’s the dumb thing I did: I agreed with The Ex. He’d accused her multiple times of having a drinking problem. At the beginning I didn’t believe it. By that point I had started to wonder. And once, she asked if I thought he was right. She seemed vulnerable at that moment. She seemed like she knew the answer and actually wanted confirmation. I took the advice. I said, diplomatically as I could, that I could see where he thought that and that sometimes I worried about her.
The wall went up.
Probably in the top 5 of the dumbest things I’ve said. But then again, if I’d lied she’d have known that. I’m bad at it and she knows me well. That probably would have been worse.
No right answer to that question I guess.
