July 20, 2014
I don’t know where to begin. A lot has happened the last couple of weeks. Why don’t I start with where it got to.
Last Monday I came home walked in the door with S and was confronted with an angry wife. She was mad at D and apparently I acted wary. I was taken aback by the anger and also trying to get S out of the room so he wasn’t a witness to it all. That backfired. It quickly became my fault. She yelled and she left, slamming the door. I thought that was the end of it for the time being. Nope. She texted and I tried to reply calmly, but apparently that message was wrong too and she came right back to lay into me. From there it escalated into her filling garbage bags with stuff to get rid of so we could “get the house ready for sale”. She’s threatened this before but this was the closest to real I think it’s been. This went on all night. Toward the end of it she came downstairs and was making nice with S, ignoring me. He frantically played with. Laughing. This is classic behavior pattern. But then she went back upstairs and I put him to sleep. Predictably it took him a long time and I eventually had to go find a long abandoned childhood stuffed animal to calm him down. D was similarly upset but I didn’t have much time to talk to her, nor a stuffed animal. Couldn’t let her off the hook either because the thing that started all of this really was something she screwed up. The reaction was just out of proportion.
The days leading up to this I’d been raked over the coals for my lack of communication and commitment. This is actually true. I have been holding back and keeping myself distant. I’ve been filling time with S to keep him occupied and out of her hair. We had an actual productive conversation about this, albeit one where I could not address the elephant in the room. We had another such conversation this night after the big blow up and eventually I got about two hours of sleep. I should mention that whole thing started when I walked in the door at about 5:30 having picked up S early. Smelled like she’d had a stop on the way home.
The remainder of the week was being overly nice and normal, but I have tried to rectify my acting distant. Thing is I have to keep a wall up because I can’t say what I think. But I’m also a lousy actor and she can see through it. This will not last.
Cue up last night (Saturday). We had a good weekend. I was making a point to be more open. She said she was going to bed early. I put S to bed and then went to join her. I didn’t want to go to bed but one of the criticisms was that I spend too much time up after she goes to bed. Right as I got there she went back downstairs to eat something. Then came back up and said she needed to go smoke. There was no trigger for the “stress” this time, and she admitted as much. That was about 10pm. About 3am she came to bed and asked me a loaded question while I was half asleep. I paused too long before answering and she rolled over. I was awake the next two hours.
I got up when S did (early) and went downstairs with him. There I found the usual carnage in the kitchen and cleaned it up. Something new though. Apparently we were out of the preferred bottles so she had about 2/3 of a bottle of Vodka that had been sitting around as a gift to give someone. She never drinks stuff like that. It’s usually wine and the amount was surprising. I’d be on the floor but then I gave up drinking at all some years ago. The associations became unpleasant.
I talked to her briefly before taking S out for the day and she said she slept great. Wonderful.
We’re going on vacation soon. Read up on previous years to see how that went and make your bets about this year.
July 8, 2014
Will you remember tonight? It was a good weekend, going our separate ways on errands but spending time together and making some progress on chores and the house. We set off fireworks and relaxed. You’ve been more active since the latest med change. We had a meaningful talk where we uncovered some issues and resolved a few, but of course I could not bring up the one big thing. But happy for me there was no drinking and we enjoyed the holiday weekend together.
Today was Monday and it was not to last. After some exchanged texts at a reasonable hour this morning, you fell off the face of the earth. I picked up S after work and took him to the park because it’s such a nice day and those shouldn’t be wasted. On the way home I detoured past The Hangout. I shouldn’t have, but I did. Your car was there in a parking spot that means you’d been there a while. I’m sure you told your coworkers that you had to leave to pick up S. I’m not sure the last time you did that.
Once he was finally asleep I left his room to say hello to you. You’d obviously been passed out (probably a combination of meds, real tiredness, and….). I went around the house doing a few chores to come back upstairs to find you in the same spot, phone having dropped to the floor. My presence woke you up and you went to bed without a word. I came here to write this. What will you remember tomorrow?
June 15, 2014
Opportunity. To be lost or gained.
As I mentioned I’m currently in a job I don’t really care for. I took it because it was not very demanding and lets me not travel and be around full-time for my family. Same company and same pay as before. I shoudn’t complain about that I know, because it pays well, but it’s stagnation otherwise. And eventually I’ll slide down the review ranks because I’m not working near as hard as I could or should.
There might be another opportunity to leave this company and go to a place that is higher risk and higher reward. It’d probably pay a little less in the short term. Might pay off later, but “may” can never be part of the decision. But I’d be working harder. Working with the people I like, and be much more engaged doing something a thousand times more interesting.
Reasons why I should not take it: more risk, health benefits may suffer, I’ll have to work more and possibly travel some. The health benefit is a big thing because of her propensity for doctor’s visits and drugs to treat everything.
I have taken S to school and picked him up damn near every day since my last business trip, which I think was in January. Most nights she’s not home or at least not engaged.I want to point this out, but I also want him to have stability. Better I should be home and we get homework done.
Then take tonight, Saturday, the drumbeat starts that her friend wants her to go visit. “She seems to really want to talk.” So eventually she says she’s going, leaves without a word to S or D.
A litte before bed S has a moment, getting upset and crying over something emotional. He asked where mom was and I said she was visiting a friend. “Will she sleep over there?” I said maybe. He’ll I don’t know where she goes a lot of nights, but wouldn’t surprise me if she came home at dawn. He said, “because mom can make me feel better.”
He’s right. She could. And all I could think was that he and I are just not as important to her.
June 13, 2014
Things have been really tense lately and I don’t know entirely why. It really feels like I’m losing her, and I don’t mean in the way that she is interested in someone or something else. More like that the person she is has changed and she’s becoming someone else. I blame the combination of meds. As I have mentioned before she can talk anyone into anything and this is a strength not to mention a job skill. But I think it also goes for convincing doctors that she has as aliment that she’s discovered the existence of. She’s on sleep medications and other psychoactives. And I know she’s not leveling with the docs about alcohol so there may be an interaction there. But I blame mostly the drugs for making things much worse not better.
I need. I have to. Find a way to have a meaningful discussion with her about this. Wish I knew how. And had the guts.
June 4, 2014
Hands in the air like you just don’t care. I’ve been sick since Friday. Still did chores over the weekend, got up early with S, etc. Monday took him to school. When I picked him up it was clear that he had it too so we stayed home on Tuesday. I generally felt lousy all day, did a little work from home, let S be bored and put him to bed early. About 9pm W came home and was fluttery with what is apparently good news — something she is supposed to participate in at work but which she finds stressful. I should have been supportive. I should have been there for her. Instead I closed myself up in another room and slept badly all night but I feel a little better this morning. W apparently stayed up all night chain smoking and having about two bottles. Then went to sleep after dawn. I don’t see how that helps. I don’t feel guilty at all about not being supportive this time.
May 31, 2014
I hope it’s not foreshadowing but Thursday night D came home with a story of one of her friends at school. The friend had been informed that her mother had been in an accident while on her way to the school, was apparently DUI, and would likely be charged. She didn’t know how serious the accident was. This is obviously something I worry a lot about and why I volunteer for any and all times that a kid needs to be picked up somewhere, because in advance I can never feel certain. That family has additional problems it seems. The dad is not too stable either. I like to think that I am. At least outwardly.
Other than that, par for the course. I’m sick for the first time in more than a year. Nothing serious but I spent Friday night shivering under a blanket while S had a peanut butter sandwhich for dinner and watched TV. Of course when we passed by The Hangout at 5pm W’s car was already there. And she didn’t come home.
May 28, 2014
W seems to like stress. I get that. I work best against a deadline and she does too, but she seems to want to make it stressful so that there is an immediate problem to solve. Things have to be blown up into a crisis. I think it’s a sort of high.
Also I think I leaked the other night. I was sort of aware that she was up in the middle of the night and in the morning she told me that she tried to snuggle up to me at night and I put her off. I don’t remember this conversation, and it’s possible I had no real idea who I was talking to. It’s also possible I meant it because I definitely went to sleep irritated that night. What happened was she said she was tired and going to bed early. I put S to bed and once he was asleep found out she’d actually gotten up and went outside to smoke. Some work emergency. Seems to be one every night recently that requires her to go out, drink and smoke, and make a lot of noise. She has recently been on my case about staying up late and not coming to bed with her so I have been coming to be earlier only to be there by myself most of the time.
And last night. D had to be picked up from the airport late and I told her this, saying that she needed to be home by 10pm so I could drive down to the airport. She said, “ugh.” At 10pm I get a text that she’s on the main road near our house. About 10:15 she comes in loud and emphatic, talks about the latest work crisis — which does at least seem to be a real crisis — and literally keeps telling me to go, then starting another sentence. She needed me to hurry there and back so she could go back to work overnight. But apparently the initial stages of the crisis were best handled from the bar. I think she texted me as she was paying the check.
So we’re firmly back in the groove. This new job that seemed to be less stress seems to provide just as many opportunities. Not the same social crowd yet, but at least the same excuses for stress.
May 19, 2014
D is struggling with school, not in the academic way, but because she has problems with motivation and not giving in to the temptation to be lazy. She’s also a teenager so this is perfectly normal. But it is hard to make the case that she needs to work hard, be on time for things, take care of her mind and her body, when there’s the intermittent example of the exact opposite. Last night being an example.
May 16, 2014
After posting that last night I went and had a heart to heart with D. Thought maybe I could affect some change in my own way when W was not around. Time will tell. Plus I’d yelled at her earlier — it was earned I think, but I didn’t want to leave the night on that note. Then I went to get ready for bed. D was staying up doing homework and I told her that W would be getting home late and probably not in a good mood. Actually I expected her to be in a good but not coherent mood. D thanked me for the warning. No clue which way she took it. I really don’t want to undermine but this was the best I thought I could do.
I went to bed. In the early hours of the morning I realized W had not come home. Checked my phone, nothing. Tried to sleep. Spent a lot of the morning being worried but resolved not to text her yet. Shortly before getting the kids up I’d spun the whole scenario in my head of what would happen next if she’d managed to kill herself in a traffic accident or something. Money would be the biggest problem. Can’t afford schools and the house on one salary.
By the time I’d dropped off S at school I was still doing mental sums. How much could I get for the other car… All in all not a healthy line of thought. And admittedly not really likely. She had done this before. About 8:30am I texted. About 10:00am she’d responded by which point I was in the middle of a meeting. I said I’d been worried and she apologized.
Apparently after that she went home. And here’s the best part. I go and pick up S and bring him home. 10 minutes after we walk in the door she’s out for an errand. Something that has to be done today. She texts me a few times with updates but I’m terse. Both annoyed and busy. Dinner, cleaning, chores… Get S to bed and do a little of my own work. Here we are again. And I still don’t know what’s going on.
May 15, 2014
Yep. W’s general behavior has been getting odder. Sleep schedule is all messed up even though she’s on meds for that. Plus other meds to counteract those symptoms. I’m not sure she knows what she’s correcting for any more. Last night she announced she was stressed and going out for smokes. She came back with that plus some bottles, but never drank them. Odd. She couldn’t articulate what the stress was. Said work and that she felt bad that she was leaving household stuff to me. I said I’d do as much as I could. Because honestly what other choice do I have, and I refrained from pointing out once again that the job I took was not the one I wanted, but was one chosen so I could be home every night. Seems like there should be relatively little stress in her job. She seems to be in a good position. We’re working on stuff with both kids and I’m worried about them, especially D, but…
Tonight I guess she couldn’t hold it any more. I picked up S and was bringing him home when I started getting a string of upbeat and chatty text messages. I’m sitting at the traffic light flipping through them while looking over at her car sitting at The Hangout. In a good spot too so she’d probably been there a while. First time in a long time I’d seen her car there, and yeah I still look every time we go by. I know that’s not healthy.
That was the last I heard tonight. Worried about the collision when she gets home and sees D still doing homework.
In all of my bitching here you might think I don’t love her any more. That I have given up. I haven’t. I admit I’m sitting on a lot of anger, and when it boils up I come here to complain, but hell I still want to grow old together. Just not like this.